Being an asshole is not one of them.

I don’t have nightmares often, so I remember them more than the usual fleeting REM nonsense. One I had a month ago highlighted a common routine that can ruin my entire day if I don’t get a grip fast enough.

I was in my car at a red light when suddenly the worst thing that could ever happen to a driver this side of being carjacked, kidnapped or killed happened to me: I went blind.

This actually happened twice during the dream. During both instances I was stopped in the same spot. The first time I just rubbed my eyes and my sight magically returned. The second time, however, I permanently lost my vision. I desperately pressed and clawed at my eyeballs, to no avail.

I remember my biggest fear in that nightmare was not that my life was veering into a different direction now that I was randomly blind. No, what I feared most of all was that the people behind me were going to start blasting their horns, completely oblivious or apathetic to the poor blacked out sap trapped in front of them. But before that happened, before the chorus of angry, impatient animals rose to a crescendo, I woke up.

Just to assure myself, I checked my eyesight.

The city that I live in is not the best in the country. There’s variety and enough activities for the non-shutins to keep themselves occupied. But there’s a reason the first syllable in the city’s name is often half-jokingly replaced with ‘Scum.’ Since I moved out here I’ve been robbed twice. The night is ruled by gangs and permeated with crime. But above all, what I hate more than anything, is how the drivers in this place abuse their horns.

I drive a midsize sedan. Its cut creates an unfortunate blind spot. If anything bigger than my car gets behind or in front of me when I’m trying to turn left at an intersection or a median, I cannot see until that person moves. Sometimes businesses put shrubbery or other obstacles in places where they shouldn’t be. In these instances, the safest thing to do is wait until the light is green or I’m sure there’s no oncoming traffic.

But the people in this town—many of them, apparently—don’t view it that way. They see a skiddish individual who isn’t moving because he’s fiddling with his phone or his air conditioner.

They decide to ‘correct’ me by applying their horns.

This doesn’t just happen during risky crossings. People will blare their horns at me the very millisecond a light goes green, as if anyone who doesn’t immediately floor it to 60 is ruining the entire highway system. I’m not asleep. I’m not distracted. I see the green and I move accordingly but apparently it isn’t fast enough. I’ve encountered these rude sons of bitches in every corner and crevice of this troubled town I’ve traveled.

Car horn jackassery does not discriminate based on age, race, or gender, though I have noticed a few common threads with the bastards. The demographic is usually that of an older white male with a gas slurping pickup…the same kind that when viewed from behind will have a Jesus fish embroidered on the back along with bumper stickers indicating the individual is Taxed Enough Already or prefers to keep his freedom instead of your ‘Change.’ His monstrosity often roars and rumbles like a souped up motorcycle when he steps on the gas. He may or may not wear a hat. He may or may not bear a Confederate Flag and/or a ‘Calvin Pissing’ sticker.

But as I said, horn abuse does not discriminate. Black people do it to me too. So do women.

If you are among these individuals who like rattling the person in front of them with a horn blast, I invite you to consider these two questions: 1). are you really that impatient? and 2). do your genitals really require that much more compensation?

Or perhaps you recognize this rude behavior within yourself and would like to correct it, in which case I offer you this refresher course. This is what your noise maker was intended to be used for:

• Animals that have wandered out in the street.
• Pedestrians who have wandered out in the street, either oblivious to oncoming traffic hazards, drunk, or both.
• Cars that are veering into your space.
• Children who aren’t paying attention.
• Alerting someone that you have arrived at their house (though you could just leave your vehicle and knock on their doors to keep the peace.)

It is not for announcing to the world, and to me, that you are a dick.